How To Avoid a Broken Heart;The Logic of a 17 Year-Old

I asked my daughter if she invited her dad to her EAL finals for shot put and her nonchalant answer was "I told him NOT to come." "What?" I asked somewhat surprised at her answer. I mean, the answer I was looking for and expecting after years of asking was "He said he has to work" or the ever popular "maybe." Certainly, not that she asked him not to come.

Her answer to my why question left me feeling so many emotions, I could fill this endless blog space with words reflecting my seemingly unending sense of shock at the utter senselessness of her father. Her answer simply was "If I don't ask him to come, it won't hurt when he doesn't."

The logic of a 17 year old young lady who is making life decisions about her worth to the most important man in her life. The logic that tells her she is not the center of his universe as she should be. The logic that tells her it is better to ask for nothing and get all of it than to ask for something and get none of it.

I will never truly understand what it is that goes through an absent parents mind when they justify their absenteeism. To make matters worse, as she threw and won, he was sitting at his step-sons ball game. Empowering his step-son and giving him the support and presence she deserved and wants so badly.

Sitting at the dinner table later that night, EAL patch in hand and Facebook lit up with the well wishers who love us, we talked about family and choices. About the pain of losing the idea of what you thought being a daddy's girl would mean.

It is heartbreaking for this mother to witness the planting of seeds of worthlessness. I pray that I have the ability to counteract the messages that a father who doesn't participate sends subliminally with his absence. What type of husband does a child like this choose? What will she allow to be the make up of her relationships? Will she be a doormat hoping to gain the approval and interest of any man who shows her his favor? Or worse still, will she become a woman hell bent on breaking his heart before he can break hers?

A mother simply can't be a father. No amount of love, attention or showering of time and affection can replace the message young girls need to hear about their value from their father. I find myself in a morbid sense of envy for widows who at least have death to use as an excuse for the void. Our void is less than a mile. One cell phone call away. One or two hours of sitting in a chair cheering your champion on.

I wonder if her drive is to win the record, the title or if she feels that maybe, just maybe, if she is the cream of the crop her dad will think it and she is important enough to show up? No doubt he will soak up the compliments by uneducated people slapping him on the back for his daughter's win. Congratulating him on her success that he only knows about through the paper and has no first hand knowledge about. What it must feel like to know your child has these monumental milestones and all you have is the knowing that she never asked you to be there, because she had no faith that you would come.

Funny, she asked me to be there. Wonder what that means? If I look at her logic, it would seem that she knew I would move heaven and Earth to be by her side.

Divorced Mom's Heavy Heart

I have been there. I have felt the same pain. I have used the kleenex. I have cried the tears. Today, I am the one with the kleenex box in hand out stretched to my little one who is feeling the pangs of love in limbo.

No matter their age, our children feel real pain when they are hurt. The tender heart of a teen is no less wounded than the heart of a divorcing mom or dad.

What makes my heart heavy is the knowing that today is a milestone in my family. Today is a day when my daughter needs her dad and here I am unable to make it happen. When mom's and dad's of divorce can't communicate kids are caught in the cross fire. There is nothing I want more than to have her dad take her in his arms and tell her that she is a precious child of God and that he loves her.

There are just some things daughter's need from dad's that mom's can't provide. I can give her all the female support in the world, but what she needs most is a man in her life guiding her to make the best choices for her based on loving herself.

If you are a dad reading this post, do what you can to communicate with your ex so you can be available to your family in times of heartache. If you are a mom reading this post, do all you can to be approachable and keep communication open.

Your child will thank you for it.

Don't Miss Out

If you are a follower of All About Divorce, don't miss out of the Snarkey Evolution on my other blog. Check out my evolution as I write my newest book: In The Meantime~ Ten Habits To Develop While You Are Losing Weight.

Thanksgivng and Divorce

For many divorced parents, every other Thanksgiving leaves them feeling ungrateful. Most divorced families share their children on an every-other holiday basis. This translates to one year feeling elated and full of the holiday spirit, and the next, alone and empty feeling.

Holidays are important times for families, but fear not, you can have a happy time. There is no law that says you have to celebrate the holiday on that particular day. Successful divorced families find new ways to make the holidays meaningful for them in spite of what Hallmark and tradition dictate.

Not all families have an amicable ex who will embrace flexible custody schedules. Work with what you have. My daughter does the "every other" Thanksgiving gig between her father and I so when she is not with me, we bake in the days leading up to the holiday and absorb all that fun before she's off to her dad's. Though she is gone on the particular day, I am still full of the memories of making pies and green bean casserole. I also have the knowing that next year I get the baking and the big day.

It is important to embrace the fact that you have an unconventional situation and when you begin to look for solutions you will see that your family is unique and, deservingly so, should have unique life experiences.

Gobble Gobble~

You Make Me A Better Man

As a certified life coach, one of my specialties is divorce coaching. Whenever I work with men I find that they have so many issues with their past relationships that they have lost touch with how best to communicate and resonate with a woman. The pain of the divorce affects their thoughts and perceptions about women in general and clouds their judgment. After working through their beliefs about women, they often tell me "you have helped make me a better man."
I expect one day to receive a thank you note from some very happy woman who has reaped the benefit of my tutelage.

When divorce erupts in a man's life, he is left scratching his head as to what happened and how his life went from happily married to unhappily single. It is every bit as hard on a man to lose his partner and his family as it is on children and women. It may look different, but it feels the same.

Here are a few of the tips I share with men when they are trying to move on and reinvent themselves:

1. No matter what the dynamics were between you and your ex, any woman you meet is her own woman. She has her own way of being and loving. Get to know her and her style. Do not assume anything based on your married experience.

2. Communication is Key. Most divorced couples got that way by not being able to communicate. I do not care why you got divorced, if we trace it back far enough, we will find a failure to communicate played a significant role in the breakdown of the relationship. Learn better listening skills and chose not to play games and you will start a new relationship off in the right direction.

3. It is the little things. Many of the women I coach felt that their ex never paid attention to the little things that mattered. As a man, it is important to take the time to discover the little things that matter. All women love a manly guy who can change a tire and fend off the paparazzi. More importantly, they love a man who will fetch them a latte and rub their feet once in a while. Maintaining the little things over the length of the relationship, not just the gettin'-to-know-ya stage will ensure you stay in a long and satisfying relationship.

4. Know what you want and allow her to want what she wants. Having a focus in life is very important and sometimes it is hard to let others have their own unique focus. Encourage anyone you are with to have a dream and to chase it. Be a woman's cheerleader and empower her to take on the world. Your support and belief in her may be the one thing that gives her the strength to be all she can be. By helping her achieve success, her esteem will grow and no one can show love more passionately than a confident woman.

5. Be yourself from the beginning. If you want to avoid an uncomfortable breakup down the road, be yourself from the get go. By puffing up or pretending you are something you are not, you are hiding yourself from your new interest. If you can relax and just be yourself you both can decide if there is a good match. So many men are afraid of rejection after divorce that they mask who they are in fear of being left out in the cold. It is far better to have loved and lost than to fake it only to have it blow up later.

Consider This Before You Divorce

I have been doing a lot of divorce coaching lately and I feel compelled to say that I am working with more and more clients who may not actually need to take such drastic action.

As I listen to their divorce story, I hear so clearly the one thing missing from their lives - quality communication. As I listen to the hurt, anger and anxiety over the divorce, I hear the undertone of "he just doesn't hear me," or "she doesn't know how I feel."

I ask the couples I work with to tell me their story. I want to hear in their words where they think things went wrong. There are times when I can tell that divorce is the best soultion for them, but more times than you can imagine, I see that there may be an alternative.

When I work with clients, I tell them that they always have options, one of which is to do nothing. There is no law that says that once you start the divorce train that you can't stop it. There is no blood covenant with your attorney that says you have to see it through to the end.

Counselors, coaches, clergy members all have a place to help mediate and assist you with reconnecting your marriage. If you have the inkling to try to work it out, you have no more to lose than you will in your divorce settlement.

Often times when couples initiate divorce proceedings, lines are drawn in the sand. Friends pick sides, attorneys get involved, families are divided. Once this happens there is a momentum of negativity and you are pitched against one another, possibly forever.

My goal as a divorce coach is to help people create the best post-divorce relationships possible - relationships with their exes, their children, and all other interested parties. How you conduct yourself in your divorce sets a tone that resonates throughout all the days of your life (just like the soap opera says).

If you can reconnect instead of disconnect, you are freeing your soul from a possible lifetime of unfinished business. People who divorce can create wounds that never heal without closure. It takes a lot more time to get healthy in individual therapy than in couples therapy. When two people can communicate and take ownership of their issues and make amends in real time, anxiety and esteem issues can magically melt away.

Abuse, neglect, and financial manipulation aside, more divorces happen needlessly. I see more communication tragedies that end in divorce that should have ended in therapy; more women who have lost themselves and more men who feel unappreciated.

Before you hand over your cash for a retainer, hand over some cash to a life coach or therapist and make certain you are really ready for the end of your marriage.

Five Things I Hate About Being a Single Mom

1. Not being able to share my child's superstar moments with her dad. I miss not being able to high five her father when she makes the point, breaks the record or takes the lead. I miss being robbed of the joy in sharing the fact that we made this child. It is our blood running through her veins. I hate how the politics of new marriages and bad blood keep us from being able to relish the moments of her life that only he and I can fully appreciate.

2. Being a mom and a dad. I hate having to wear two hats in the house. I hate not having a bad cop to my good or a good cop to my bad. I hate having to teach my daughter to love herself like her dad should teach her so she doesn't let some stupid boy make her feel cheap or pressured. I hate not knowing if he is doing that when they are together because we never talk.

3. No man will ever take "his" place. Being a single mom with kids at home or adult children means accepting the fact that anyone who comes into my life will never take the place of the father that is not there. No matter how loving, not matter how powerful an influence, he will never be who her dad is. I hate that because there is a hole left behind where dad once was. No amount of being super mom or psychiatric mom can fill that hole.

4. I rarely get a man's perspective. I hate moving through life without the perspective of a man who really truly knows you and your kids. When you do not have the DNA connection or at least, the history with the child, you can never truly understand how they may be thinking. How many times have a recognized that my child, who has her dad's personality, was struggling. How many times have I wanted to ask him how he would have wanted to been treated, because they think alike, and can't because we don't talk.

5. I can't make it better. Oh the times that my child has been angry, sad or upset with her "other" family. Over the years I have come to learn that there is no way for me to try to bridge the gap, advocate or otherwise give him a heads up. As an ex, you are considered the enemy and have no important information and are treated as such. It is frustrating to hear what your child has seen, heard or been subjected to only to know that there is nothing you can do. As a single mom, all you can do is your best to offset the turmoil, provide a safe place for them to vent and take a deep breath. I can't make it better because we don't talk.

So, the point of all of this is that if you are an ex who thinks that you can not communicate with your child's momma or dad, then think about all the chances you are missing. Think about all the opportunities you are losing to know your child better and to experience your child's life. If you fall into the category of non-communicating, re-think your stand and maybe everyone can win.