You Make Me A Better Man

As a certified life coach, one of my specialties is divorce coaching. Whenever I work with men I find that they have so many issues with their past relationships that they have lost touch with how best to communicate and resonate with a woman. The pain of the divorce affects their thoughts and perceptions about women in general and clouds their judgment. After working through their beliefs about women, they often tell me "you have helped make me a better man."
I expect one day to receive a thank you note from some very happy woman who has reaped the benefit of my tutelage.

When divorce erupts in a man's life, he is left scratching his head as to what happened and how his life went from happily married to unhappily single. It is every bit as hard on a man to lose his partner and his family as it is on children and women. It may look different, but it feels the same.

Here are a few of the tips I share with men when they are trying to move on and reinvent themselves:

1. No matter what the dynamics were between you and your ex, any woman you meet is her own woman. She has her own way of being and loving. Get to know her and her style. Do not assume anything based on your married experience.

2. Communication is Key. Most divorced couples got that way by not being able to communicate. I do not care why you got divorced, if we trace it back far enough, we will find a failure to communicate played a significant role in the breakdown of the relationship. Learn better listening skills and chose not to play games and you will start a new relationship off in the right direction.

3. It is the little things. Many of the women I coach felt that their ex never paid attention to the little things that mattered. As a man, it is important to take the time to discover the little things that matter. All women love a manly guy who can change a tire and fend off the paparazzi. More importantly, they love a man who will fetch them a latte and rub their feet once in a while. Maintaining the little things over the length of the relationship, not just the gettin'-to-know-ya stage will ensure you stay in a long and satisfying relationship.

4. Know what you want and allow her to want what she wants. Having a focus in life is very important and sometimes it is hard to let others have their own unique focus. Encourage anyone you are with to have a dream and to chase it. Be a woman's cheerleader and empower her to take on the world. Your support and belief in her may be the one thing that gives her the strength to be all she can be. By helping her achieve success, her esteem will grow and no one can show love more passionately than a confident woman.

5. Be yourself from the beginning. If you want to avoid an uncomfortable breakup down the road, be yourself from the get go. By puffing up or pretending you are something you are not, you are hiding yourself from your new interest. If you can relax and just be yourself you both can decide if there is a good match. So many men are afraid of rejection after divorce that they mask who they are in fear of being left out in the cold. It is far better to have loved and lost than to fake it only to have it blow up later.

Consider This Before You Divorce

I have been doing a lot of divorce coaching lately and I feel compelled to say that I am working with more and more clients who may not actually need to take such drastic action.

As I listen to their divorce story, I hear so clearly the one thing missing from their lives - quality communication. As I listen to the hurt, anger and anxiety over the divorce, I hear the undertone of "he just doesn't hear me," or "she doesn't know how I feel."

I ask the couples I work with to tell me their story. I want to hear in their words where they think things went wrong. There are times when I can tell that divorce is the best soultion for them, but more times than you can imagine, I see that there may be an alternative.

When I work with clients, I tell them that they always have options, one of which is to do nothing. There is no law that says that once you start the divorce train that you can't stop it. There is no blood covenant with your attorney that says you have to see it through to the end.

Counselors, coaches, clergy members all have a place to help mediate and assist you with reconnecting your marriage. If you have the inkling to try to work it out, you have no more to lose than you will in your divorce settlement.

Often times when couples initiate divorce proceedings, lines are drawn in the sand. Friends pick sides, attorneys get involved, families are divided. Once this happens there is a momentum of negativity and you are pitched against one another, possibly forever.

My goal as a divorce coach is to help people create the best post-divorce relationships possible - relationships with their exes, their children, and all other interested parties. How you conduct yourself in your divorce sets a tone that resonates throughout all the days of your life (just like the soap opera says).

If you can reconnect instead of disconnect, you are freeing your soul from a possible lifetime of unfinished business. People who divorce can create wounds that never heal without closure. It takes a lot more time to get healthy in individual therapy than in couples therapy. When two people can communicate and take ownership of their issues and make amends in real time, anxiety and esteem issues can magically melt away.

Abuse, neglect, and financial manipulation aside, more divorces happen needlessly. I see more communication tragedies that end in divorce that should have ended in therapy; more women who have lost themselves and more men who feel unappreciated.

Before you hand over your cash for a retainer, hand over some cash to a life coach or therapist and make certain you are really ready for the end of your marriage.

Five Things I Hate About Being a Single Mom

1. Not being able to share my child's superstar moments with her dad. I miss not being able to high five her father when she makes the point, breaks the record or takes the lead. I miss being robbed of the joy in sharing the fact that we made this child. It is our blood running through her veins. I hate how the politics of new marriages and bad blood keep us from being able to relish the moments of her life that only he and I can fully appreciate.

2. Being a mom and a dad. I hate having to wear two hats in the house. I hate not having a bad cop to my good or a good cop to my bad. I hate having to teach my daughter to love herself like her dad should teach her so she doesn't let some stupid boy make her feel cheap or pressured. I hate not knowing if he is doing that when they are together because we never talk.

3. No man will ever take "his" place. Being a single mom with kids at home or adult children means accepting the fact that anyone who comes into my life will never take the place of the father that is not there. No matter how loving, not matter how powerful an influence, he will never be who her dad is. I hate that because there is a hole left behind where dad once was. No amount of being super mom or psychiatric mom can fill that hole.

4. I rarely get a man's perspective. I hate moving through life without the perspective of a man who really truly knows you and your kids. When you do not have the DNA connection or at least, the history with the child, you can never truly understand how they may be thinking. How many times have a recognized that my child, who has her dad's personality, was struggling. How many times have I wanted to ask him how he would have wanted to been treated, because they think alike, and can't because we don't talk.

5. I can't make it better. Oh the times that my child has been angry, sad or upset with her "other" family. Over the years I have come to learn that there is no way for me to try to bridge the gap, advocate or otherwise give him a heads up. As an ex, you are considered the enemy and have no important information and are treated as such. It is frustrating to hear what your child has seen, heard or been subjected to only to know that there is nothing you can do. As a single mom, all you can do is your best to offset the turmoil, provide a safe place for them to vent and take a deep breath. I can't make it better because we don't talk.

So, the point of all of this is that if you are an ex who thinks that you can not communicate with your child's momma or dad, then think about all the chances you are missing. Think about all the opportunities you are losing to know your child better and to experience your child's life. If you fall into the category of non-communicating, re-think your stand and maybe everyone can win.

Delayed Divorce Reactions:Choices

Often times when we are in the throws of divorce, we are faced to make choices. Sometimes these choices are not choices we should be making at the time. Often times we are so consumed with emotion that we are unable to make sane, rational changes. That happened to me many years ago and I am here to tell you that all this time, I am being affected. I do not want you to live this and so I am sharing with you my pain so you can help yourself or others.

When I was told that I was getting a divorce, I was also told that in order to keep my children's home and my vehicle, I would need to refinance my home and find a way to pay off the car or at least get it in my own name. As I was reeling from the emotions of losing my husband, I did not think that I could bear the loss of my home and my vehicle. The heart talked me into finding a solution. This solution did not include thinking rationally or with my head. It did not involve asking people questions that were impartial or financially savvy.

In my reaction I made many poor decisions. I had great credit and I had a strong desire to maintain the kids' life as they had known it. So, I refinanced my home that was on a 15 year mortgage with a lot of equity. I pulled out money from that equity to pay off a vehicle that I could not afford to commute in to my job. I raised the amount of my debt and got into a new loan that at the time, seemed like a dream come true and now has become a nightmare.

Over 8 years later, I am faced with the fact that my house is now worth less than I owe I have one of "those" mortgages you read about in the paper. Likewise, the vehicle is long gone, basically given away for a fraction of what I paid it off for.

so, I have moved, I am facing bankruptcy which has been a bit humiliating, but about to be made public anyway. I have people calling me all kinds of names as if I brought this all on myself. Well, I did, but the reasons were because I did not have someone like me in my life who could warn me about the importance of making sound decisions.

I am a strong believer that all things happen for a reason. I have grown and change is good. There are many things I welcome with this change. My children and I are very happy in our rented house with our familiar belongings. There is less maintenance and there is more peace.

When you are facing divorce or you know someone who is, make certain to never make financial decisions without as much un-biased input as possible. Seek out an advisor who will help you understand how today's decisions will affect you tomorrow.

Off To The Market

My team and I will have a booth at the Wednesday night market in front of the courthouse. Come and meet me and the gang: Rhonda, Diane and "Supa J" Justin.

Our first CD is available for $10.00

Step Parents

I have been a step-parent, kind of am a step-parent once removed, and my child has a step-parent. I was a step-child and I know a lot of people who were rasied by step-parents. I have friends who were step-parents and I have family who were step-parents and step-children. So, I think that with this life experience behind me I can speak a little bit about step-parenting.

Here are my top ten sure fire ways to be a successful step-parent:

1. It is not your job to do anything for the step-child other than to love your spouse, their biological parent.

2. Most likely the child did not get to vote on whether or not he/she wanted a step-parent, so don't expect them to love the idea.

3. Lead by example, you most likely will never have the same relationship with your step-children as you will your own who love you no matter how you treat them. Step children never forget and rarely forgive.

4. You should never meddle in affairs that have nothing to do with you. Allow the biological parents to make the rules and decisions for the child.

5. In your home, you should never be able to tell the difference in status between a bilogical child and a step-child. There should be equal proof of each child's existance and importance.

6. It is not your job to criticize the absent parent, no matter how bad they are/seem or how wrong you believe them to be. Time will leave an impact on the child who will grow to make their own decisions.

7. No matter how nice you are, how much you give and what you sacrifice, the child does not owe you respect - if you earn it, it will come.

8. No matter how you came into the child's life, they still secretly wish their parents were together, so do not try to manipulate their loyalties.

9. Step-parenting is about friendship and role modeling. Try to be both.

10. Most likely, you will have a much better relationship with your step-child when they are mature enough to understand the dynamics of adult relationships. Hold out for the long haul and it will all be worth it.

It's All About Trust

One of the key reasons that exes can no longer get along after the dust has settled boils down to trust.

Remember back to the day that you stood before God and everyone you could afford to have at your reception that you would be with that person for the rest of your life? Remember the hopes and dreams that welled up in your heart that day? As the bonds broke and you faced the end of your union, usually after children entered the picture, you lost the trust.

Once you have lost trust in another, it is virtually impossible to get it back. Especially once you have become adversarial, as in a divorce. How can you rebuild once so much has happened.

You must find a way to build a new relationship with your ex, based on the future, not the past. Build trust with new boundaries and new expectations. People treat you the way that you allow them to. Build this trust over time and with the expectation that you are only co-parents, not lovers or even friends.

It is certain that there is pain when you reflect on the disintegration of your marriage. The fact is that we are all evolving. It is our nature to grow and expand. That means that your best days lie before you, not behind.